Wednesday, December 21, 2011

How Do I Do It?

For years I have been asked, "How do you do it Patty?"  How do you do all that you do and still keep yourself together?" And for years I have kept my lips together about it.  Of course that isn't hard when you have children and superglue in the house, but still I'm pretty proud that I managed to keep mum about it.

Some have asked, "Is it prayer that helps you?"  Honestly, yes, but it isn't the secret.

"What about bubble baths at night?"  Oh, of course.  Because children always stay in bed on those days when you are ready to pound your head into the wall.

"Chocolate ice cream." Strangely enough I don't like chocolate ice cream.

So here'e the secret.  Have you seen those pictures of children duct taped to the wall?  I'm sure some of you have gasped at them.  Those pictures are a big lie.  The best way for a mom to hold herself together is duct tape.  The pictures of children taped to a wall show that the mom failed to do that because a child threw a fit that he didn't get to "do duct tape", ran, tornado style, around mom screaming like a banshee and then flung himself to the wall.

For all you moms who are falling apart let me give you a hint on how to properly apply duct tape to yourself so you won't fall apart.

Step 1:  The first step is to do it when the child isn't home.  While children have been known to run back home after hearing the zip of duct tape rolling, you do get more time to get it done if you wait till they go to school. Remember to smile sweetly as you wave goodbye to them.

The problem with this step is that when you need stuck together the most it is while the children are home.  You may not have time to wait till the children leave so this step is optional.

Step 2:  This step involves a bit of trickery.  You know how children act like they are forced to do chores? They just can't do them willingly.  It is what causes them to learn the word "NO!" so quickly.

 SHHHH.  I don't want to hear it. I must tell you that it is by law that a child must dislike doing chores.  If you post a comment here about your angel willingly working and even singing  I will have to report you. I am legally required to do so. To the police.  Really that could ugly.

So anyway, serve your children a snack, grab some dusting cloths and then tell them, "when you get done I would like you to come into the living room."  You will of course hear, "why, why, why, why?"  Just tell them you have some chores that need to be done and leave the room singing, "Whistle while you work".  It will get very quiet because they will want you to forget they are home.

Step 3:  When it gets quiet (not too quiet - we all know what that means) unwrap the amount of tape you need to patch everything that needs stuck back together. Make sure that you have 2 or 3 layers wrapped about you because children are curious and may try to dig through the tape - ouch! or the little thieves might steal it from you to make a duct tape wallet to sell to the other kids at school.

WARNING:  Whatever you do, do not, I repeat, do not, go to the bathroom until you are finished.  Children have a very sensitive sensor for bathroom floors. If you step on that floor, and worse shut the door, or even think about it, they will be calling, "mommy?" and any duct tape already used will disintegrate along with your nerves.